Tagged....with reflection

So, by virtue to reading her blog on the subject, I have now been tagged to do the following blog-thank you Krista Ray :-)


1. Go to your pictures folder and open the fourth folder
2. Upload the fourth picture and explain it
3. Tag four friends



1.

2. From the "Emma Birth" folder we have an oh-so-attractive photo of me holding Emma right after her birth. (I think pictures of moms who look beautiful and in full make-up after giving birth are just lying...someone else gave birth and then they jumped in the bed. It's just not possible after many hours of labor.) So, not that great picture of me, but good all in the same, you know?

It's interesting, this has actually made me reflect back to that time and that first month. We were so unaware of the turn our lives would take within the next week. A new world would completely be opened up to us that we were so unprepared for. I really never even thought about or considered that my child might not be a "normal, healthy baby". Never even crossed my mind, really....and now I think back, I was in la-la land or just immature in my thinking, I don't know. We were just clueless when that picture was taken that Emma had a ticking time bomb beating down the hours until panic would strike.

In a little over a week, she went from this in a hospital:

to this:

Still, our beautiful baby girl, even among all of the wires, cords, monitors. She was and is our gift from God.

As time progresses, and we get further and further away from that stressful first year of 2 major surgeries, speeding to the emergency room, being told that if we had waited an hour longer to bring her to the ER we probably would have lost her, IVs through her umbilical cord and femur, seeing your daughter receiving her oxygen by a tube and air being manually pumped into it, having to call friends and family to tell them what has happened, bypass machine, knowing way too much about how the heart works and the different heart defects, oxygen sensors, lasix, thick-it, blood pressure medicine from the speciality pharmacy, cardiology appointments, echocardiograms, EKGs, blood pressure cuffs (Emma has a collection now in many different sizes...she likes to try them on now!), Albuterol, breathing treatments every 3 hours, 2 balloon angioplasties, pre-op appointments, trying to breast feed, failing at that due to swallowing problems and stress (imagine that), Nutramigen (the most expensive formula in the world, I think), showers in the PICU, trying to sleep (unsuccessfully) when nurses come in every 3 hours, $400,000 hospital bills, having $0 patient responsibility next to said hospital bill (thank you insurance), still having to pay over $20,000 in hospital bills the first 18 months due to deductibles, out-of-pockets, changing of insurance policies, etc., being blessed unexpectedly by anonymous donors, friends, and family, 6 ear infections in 4 months, ear tubes (fairly easy compared to other surgeries at Cooks!), the first official meeting of Santa occuring at the hospital for a Christmas party for heart kids, being part of a whole group of fellow heart families who understand what you go through, coming to that scary knowledge of how close you came to losing your daughter once again when you attend the funeral of a daughter of a heart family friend, being scared that everytime she is sick something is wrong with her heart, getting the news over and over again that the next procedure will definitely fix her problems, then getting the news that she is of the tiniest percentage of patients in which the procedure did not work (twice), losing the id bracelet you need for your next surgery somewhere in Target (really, putting it on the foot of a toddler who likes to kick off shoes is not the best idea), searching Target and the parking lot for that bracelet that you need for check-in the next day, having to get to the hospital at 5 so they can re-draw blood because you could never find that stupid bracelet, feeling like your life is spinning out of control and you can't handle all that is asked of you, recognizing nurses on billboards around town advertising the hospital, having the cafeteria workers at the hospital know you by your breakfast order, checking not that your child is sleeping peacefully at night, but that her heart is still beating.

Obviously, the memories, the pain, the struggles, and the stress will always remain part of our memories as first-time parents. But time does heal. The times of replaying all of those things in my mind have become less and less frequent. Finally, I feel almost "normal" again (except for those yearly cardiologist appointments!). Even as she is sick today with a fever, my mind doesn't even run off in a "heart" direction. It's just a simple cold/virus/fever. Eventually, all of the debt will be paid off. Eventually, Emma will realize she has these scars all over her body and I am sure some self-doubt about her body will come about (hello teenage years....). Eventually, we will come face to face with those fears again when (hopefully) we become pregnant again. (No, that is not an annoucement!)

However difficult that first year was, God was always faithful. He was always there. In the delivery room. In the car to the ER. In the ER trauma room. In the PICU. In the operating room. In the Cath Lab. In 3rd floor north. In the doctors offices. In her bedroom. And He is with her now. And He will be with her as she grows into the woman He has destined her to be. And what a destiny that will be.

Having Emma now makes all of those trials worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat in order to have my precious girl. She brings us such joy. I love her so.

So this whole tagging experiment has actually let me reflect once again about this journey we have been on. It gives me strength knowing that God has never forgotten us. And that He will be with us no matter what road we go down.

So...tagging other friends...

Kyna, Amanda, Allyson, Jen....you're it!